Sometimes I talk to Myself

No really I do, I talk to myself...even when Stan IS here. Sometimes I think, "Did I say that out loud?" Haha, it's quite funny. Anyway, I'm saying all that because yesterday was not the best day in the world. I've been going through a bit of culture shock, and it started a little bit before Stan left for America. You have your good days and bad days, but I've been in a little bit of a funk. Ive just been excited to get home, frustrated with my classes, and over all been going through a bit of withdrawal from the culture. To make it a bit worse, I made a girl cry in one of my classes yesterday. Not joking at all. It was a misunderstanding.

Many times if you directly ask one of my students a question, a lot of silence follows either because they are thinking, don't know what to say, or don't know how to say it. But the silence is what kills me because all they have to say is "I don't know" or "Let me think" (and they know how to say these things). But with the culture, they aren't going to say that because they don't want to be wrong. So, this sweet girl in my class was thinking about something. I asked her to choose between two things. Silence. I asked her again. Silence. Loooooong pauses. She was being very very quiet and looked so nervous, so I made an executive decision for the class because I didn't want to continue to embarrass her. (This was an activity where things needed to happen in a sequence and a decision needed to be made.) I made the decision and asked the girl if that was okay. She just looked down and I thought I saw her crying. I quickly moved on (saying anything further would have totally humiliated her in front of the class even more than she was) and finished class some time later. After class I asked her if I had upset her. She said she thought by my making the decision for her, I thought she was wrong. (please know that she was being very respectful in saying this. I asked her to tell me what was wrong. She was hesitant, but told me.) I told her I was so sorry I had upset her and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I was drained after that because it upset me too. But I still had to teach another class. Whew! I got through the day, but I was still in a bit of a funk. As I was getting ready for my afternoon class, I was talking to myself. I was saying, "I have kinda been hating China right now." (I use that term, not to mean I hate it, but that I am having a rough time in the culture and being away from home.) "I don't really want to go out of the apartment. It's raining and I want to do exactly what a rebellious teenager would do: Rebel. Not go to class. Call in sick and sit in the room, watching a meaningless TV series." BUT, I went to class anyway.

Thankfully during this class, I was able to get my point across to the students and it was a successful class. I left the classroom feeling good, not frustrated, and more in tune with my students. Now every class is different, but it was a nice pick me up! Okay, I say I talk to myself, but it's really like I'm telling these things to God. It was a breath of fresh air to have a good interaction with my students! :) I'm thankful for that! I like to look at things like this as Him helping me and letting me know that I am here for a reason and He needs me to do what he has asked me to do. When you have feelings of culture shock, it's really easy to retreat and withdrawal from everything around you. (for me anyway) So, I lost focus for a little bit, but I think I've regained it. Thanks for all your thoughts! I love you all!